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..She looked at her father for the last time before he was finally laid to rest. And she said to herself, "I forgive you father." She has forgiven him but she has not forgotten the turmoil, terror and abuse that she went through.
Her father was working away most of the time when she was growing up. But when he was home, he was violent. She remembered crying in the middle of the night listening to him beating up her mother. She could
hear her sobs. And she wept because she could not do anything about it.
She was terrified of him. Her and her siblings were not supposed to do any thing wrong according to his terms. When she was six years old he pushed her head so hard onto the floor. She still have the scar on her forehead.
When her mother was diagnosed with depression, the four of them siblings had to move and they lived with their father. He hired someone to take care of them while he was away at work.
There was so much fear in every one of them when he was back. Her father was so angry with one of her brother's one day that he turned him upside down and wanted to throw him off. She watched that episode with horror.
From then on, she tried not to make any mistakes. She wept inside because he did not want to hear any whimpers. And she continued watching him vent his anger on the rest of her siblings.
When her father divorced her mother, she did not know how to feel or react. Her mother was back with them but her depression kept relapsing. They were neglected.
She found solace from friends at school. She enjoyed reading stories and literature. She spent her time in the school library. There was no home sweet home.
Her mother could not take care of her. Her father took her away to live with his new family. It did not work out. She was sent to a welfare home.
She did not deserve to be abandoned but she was helpless. She was mad with her father. She was not angry with her mother but she just did not understand why her mother had to be sick.
Until recently, she did not want to admit that her childhood affected her emotionally and mentally. She have brought the memories of bygone age along into her daily existence.
In all her relationships, everything went well until her partners suggested on serious commitments. She would then sabotage the relationships.
She was not able to open up to anyone. She was very defensive when given any advice or opinion on her attitude and behavior.
When there were arguments, she clamped up or walked off. She never wanted to face any issues and resolve them.
And she would not cry in front of anyone no matter how sad or hurt she was. She remembered a time when her sister was badly wounded and hospitalized. She did not want anyone to see her cry. She walked away and cried her heart out alone in a secluded place.
She excelled in her career by putting in lots of hours and efforts. Now she realized that it was one way of escaping reality. She kept herself so busy so that she do not notice things that needed attention. She was using work as a means to avoid commitments.
There was one thing that she gained from the experience of being abandoned. She was able to sit quietly alone for hours and reflect.
It has developed her fascination on nature's beauty. She love the feel of the wind blowing on her face. I enjoy watching the rain falling. And no matter how bad the weather is, it is still beautiful.
She became curious about many things. She questioned others and herself about life and how some things happen to certain people. She wondered why people behave the way they do. She looked for the answers.
She have developed the strength to persevere. But that is not enough. She want to become a survivor who is able to balance her life and enjoy the abundance that the universe has to offer.
She have decided to break herself free from the shackles of her fragile upbringing. She promise herself that she will not allow her past to continue ruining her future.
This child has grown up and will not weep in silence anymore....
This is a very sad story.
Thank God I have a lovable father. Although he have a list of chores for me before he laid to rest, and a lot of time I feel so reluctant and want to escape from the chores, but he still the best father anyone could ever had.
He was the second child out of 11. My elder uncle passed away at his young age leaving 4 children. 1940-1970 are tough years, in fact, I really don't know how he could possibly manage to support the family without a single complaint. He never spoke on his past, most of his stories was told by my mum. In his life, all things tie to goal. I do miss both of them very much and they will always lies in my heart. I am in the process of learning to let go but I won't give up.
